Hi there. You know it’s been a hard Friday for me and I’m a little stressed out and I don’t want to come across as a jerk or even worse, conceited, but look, let’s be rational about the free food that’s in the kitchen. 

I know you don’t all make king’s ransoms. I don’t. And I know that you probably eat some crappy food. But holy %&$##, when there is free food in the kitchen do you all have to stampede in there like a herd of starved elephants? Because it’s embarrassing.

And look, yes, I know the food in there is as joyously free as soda fill-ups at an Olive Garden or as plentiful as a Seth Godin library. But you needn’t tell me; when I see ten of you get up at the same time with those dumb smiles on your faces and waddle in there on the double-quick I know that there is nothing else possibly driving you but something free that you can put into your mouth. Do you tell me because you think that you’re doing me a favor? Because you think I look emaciated? Do you tell me because having more people rushing in there somehow validates your third meal of the day before 1:30 pm? I don’t know why you tell me; because I have no doubt that were I to come face to face with you before the last Cosi pressed sandwich, even if it were one of the mozzarella and eggplant ones, you would cut my Achilles tendon with a plastic fork.

So, seriously people, get a hold of yourself. It’s pitiful.