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by Abe Sauer

When I moved in with my now-ex-girlfriend, there was a small picture of a raw steak on my bathroom wall. My argument was that it was humbling to, while naked and dripping wet, be reminded that we are but bipedal meat.

Now that my apartment is no longer decorated by committee, I want my meat back. It appears I have a large selection. From steak and bacon band-aids, to bath mats and shower caps to wrapping paper, packing tape and air fresheners, Meat-o-Matic can supply me with a choice cut of decorative choice cuts. And Sweet Meats has carnivore plushies.

I can even garnish my new vegetarian-retardant apartment with the real thing. Omaha Steaks ships every variety of steak, from T-bone to the mignons. If you can afford it, I recommend the Private Reserve® selection.

I’m also going to get her a shirt, since we’re still friends.